Archive for the ‘on a serious note, now’ Category
Felt that this photo would be quite apt to describe me and my blogging. It feels really weird to work on a blogpost after so long, and even WordPress looks so strange now! Well, not sure where I should start so maybe I should start with this photo. It was taken on the site of a theatre performance I did in September, a former fire station at Paya Lebar, which is really the best place anyone could do a production in. It’s quite funny to think that I’d pass that building so many times on the way to work and never thought much about it. Sometimes when I do think about these things though, I get so angry and wonder just how much things have to change before a place ceases to be a place you know anymore. Do you know what I mean? I feel a bit rusty talking about these kinda things but I guess as long as the words flow in some sort of way (even randomly so), it can’t really be a bad thing? I wrote something about this topic quite a while back, it is here if you are interested. I have been trying to write more these past few months and so far most of it has found its way to Facebook (on many a quiet, sleepless night), but the idea is to write a bit more on my other blog and just write a whole lot more in general. I find that the more I write (and it’s not always good), the easier it gets and the more I get into the swing of things in terms of finding a new turn of phrase or exploring some of the thoughts I’ve always had. I guess I should apply this to blogging here as well and not just rely on Twitter and Instagram so much. I love those two sites, but sometimes there are some aspects of my life that can’t properly be encapsulated within 140 characters or a well-selected photo, right? That’s all for now – one can get so chatty when one tries.
I don’t know how it happened but my last post was in January. It’s been kind of a weird year for me, not sure if it’s the same for others born in the Year of the Ox? Many times I’d remember the blog and want to write, but somehow it seemed really unnatural. Perhaps I’ve changed over the past year or so, which is why I stopped myself from writing here, which I associate with shiny, happy, positive thoughts. Not that I’ve been unhappy of course, it’s more like I’m in this state of development and it seems like the kind of person I am now is not the nabbycat that you might know.
Anyway, I’m back here again, which is, for all intents and purposes, good. Before anyone worries, I am still pretty much happy and shiny and positive, but I think what changed is that there’s some void within me that’s been occupying my thoughts as of late. I think it’s of no coincidence that I’ve started to explore writing more seriously. What this means, to me at least, is two things – #1, that it’s making me delve into some darker parts of myself, as you can only write what you know; and #2, that the more I start writing the more I start to ask some pretty fundamental questions like whether I like what I do, what is my purpose in life, etc. Yep, pretty heavy stuff. For a 27-year-old like myself (at least in May), this has some heavy implications, I mean, I’m not at an age where I can be foolish with my choices and the choices that I have made, I have built my life around and settled somewhat comfortably, if precariously so.
So there you have it, that was quite the no-holds-barred entry. I hope this doesn’t scare anyone away, if anything, it’d be great to hear your comments, if any. Though I did consider it, I don’t wish to stop blogging, because I do think this blog has been an important part of my life, and the readers that I have, I do hold dear and value. I can’t promise a post filled with sunshine and rainbows every week, but I will endeavour to be truthful to myself and this blog.
Thanks for reading.
p.s.: In happier news, I wrote and directed a play in mid-March, which got this rather nice review (Scroll down to “Mentah”).
Image credit: wikispaces
Hi all! As you can see, I am slowly easing myself into a more regular blogging schedule again!
Thought I’d post this photo up because it makes me laugh and is quintessentially Najib, which is my brother’s name. He likes to come into my room and ask me to take outfit photos, or sometimes he shows me his latest purchase or asks me if his shoes match his outfit. Yep, that’s my brother for you! This time he came into my room and made me clean up the sofa area so that he could take this photo, haha! But I do love him though! He recently came back from Hawaii (for a school trip) and came back with a vintage Hawaiian poster calendar for me and a keychain with “Ohana” or “family” (if you watched Lilo & Stitch, you’d know) on it for the whole family. Sweet eh? If you’re thinking “Awww, that’s sweet that you’re so close to your brother”, well you’d be right, but it wasn’t always like this. We grew up fighting a lot, and I think I even *hated* him at one point in time, but I guess as we grew older we started to band together, especially when my parents got divorced and also when we helped each other keep secrets from our parents (haha). So yes, I have a lot of love for him, although sometimes I do wonder how it’d be like if I had an older sister!
How about you guys? Are you close to your siblings, or not? Or do you have a special relationship with them? I’d love to know!
So this is how it ends.
Mereka it’s been a pleasure to have been part of you, and like they say this is not the end of the road for us. Some of us may embark on new journeys after this, in fact, all of us will, but we do so knowing that we have been part of something bigger. Something that was so intrinsically part of us that we did not realise it.
I did not realise it till I departed the gates of the abandoned building that I still do not know the name of. A space that seemed so daunting at first, but soon became so familiar that I left it in tears. A space that, when filled with the sounds of Irfan playing the takbir on the flute, made it feel so sadly beautiful and so appropriate given that it was Mereka’s last official day being together.
Is it silly of me to say that I don’t know how to let go? Perhaps I am inexperienced in such matters. But I’d like to think that this one year has been special for all of us. There have been so many moments..happy ones, funny ones, frustrating ones, proud ones…so many others you can’t place an emotion on. Let’s hold on to them while we are out there doing great things. Because we will be out there doing great things.
Lastly, I thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you Tini, Asyikin, Izzaty, Mo, Hammy, Nabila T, Hafiz, Li, Ruzaini, Khalid, Ezzat, Hazwan, Bib. For all the words of encouragement, for the support, the hugs, the inside jokes, the teasing, the food, the laughter, the strength, the moments of learning. I will not forget.
A special thank you goes to the amazing Irfan who puts in so much work for us that we sometimes do not recognise. Who puts in so much of himself into us that I know part of his heart belongs to Mereka. Who lets emotions get the better of him when it comes to us simply because we reside in that part of him where emotion sits in its purest form. You have been such an integral part of this experience, so if you look back with any feelings of regret, don’t. You deserve all the credit that can be given. Thank you for leading us in this journey, and for letting us lead you as well.
Like most things, gratitude is usually only recognised at the end of things, when they are almost too late, but credit must always go where credit is due. And I have you guys to credit for what has been an amazing year for me. I almost did not make it through that door to audition for Mereka so this has been almost like a dream for me. In a Sliding Doors-type of world, I wonder how my life would be like without Mereka and I struggle to even begin to imagine… Yet now I must.
Sorry for this emo note but my heart feels so heavy that I simply had to. And I know you guys understand.
Tok: “Hati kau rasa apa?”
Doktor: “Rasa sayang.”
It’s been a long time coming, but family feels like love now. ❤
Have been stuck at home for the past few days due to a rather lame ear ache which has me doped up on painkillers.
I did however manage to catch Alfian Sa’at’s play Pariah yesterday which was simply AMAZEBALLS. Tickets to tomorrow’s matinee show are still available if you’re interested.
Here’s to a great weekend!
As a child I used to go to Batam very often when I was about 10 as my parents had business partners there. I had many friends my age and they’d teach me games like their own version of Zero Point, and Indonesian folk songs. I remembered teaching them the game “Er Ling Wu” (spelling?).
Batam is the reason why I know more Bahasa Indonesia words than I should, like how chewing gum is “permen karet” and not “shinggam”; towel is “anduk” not “tuala”; fridge is “kulkas” not “peti sejuk”; and underwear is “kolor” not “seluar dalam”. I also remember jokes like “Who’s the actor who cannot run and cannot drive? Dunno, who? Rano Karno!”. Nevermind that I didn’t know who Rano Karno was, it was still funny and I still laughed.
I also remember climbing the cherry trees (Asian cherries are small, not like the plump Western ones), grabbing handfuls to be shared amongst the group. Batam was where running in the rain was de rigueur and no one would chide you for getting your clothes wet. Batam was also where I almost crashed into a car while cycling down a steep hill and while trying not be knocked down I almost fell off a cliff. Batam was where you could visit your neighbour’s house not through the front door but by climbing from each other’s roofs. That I spent part of my childhood in Batam is something I tend to forget, but now that I think about it, it was quite special.
I went back to Batam two weeks ago with the family. It is interesting to return to a place where you spent your childhood, as an adult. It makes me miss being a kid. It makes me think about my childhood friends. Sadly, I do not know where they are now. I don’t even remember their names anymore. I guess life gets in the way like that.